Who?

Gone are your messages in my inbox
as well as your mobile number in my contacts.
I deleted you in my "friendster"
and already forgot your home phone number.
But someone told me it's your birthday today.

Oh. That...

Uh... like i care!

Suddenly....

the sound of your name feels so unfamiliar...
and the times we shared together
felt like a thousand years ago.
Just when i thought being apart from you
would be like a slow and painful death...
I am still here,
as if you never left...
coz now it feels like you never really came.

Untitled

When I’m in one of my silent moments,
please don’t ask me if I’m OK.

Obviously I am not.

I’m trying to calm
the turbulence within…
things beyond my control and understanding,
pervading irritations and unanswered questions.

You may attempt to get me talking
but you will not succeed.

Please don’t feel that you have a responsibility
to solve my problems.

If you could,
just be there for me.

Your presence is all that matters.

And when I’m letting out a sigh more than once,
or starting to pull my hair out of frustration,
could you please try to embrace me
and just make me feel that you’re there?

When everything is a blur,
a chaos,
when I feel like I can’t take it anymore,
your embrace will keep me from falling.

Your warmth is enough
to soothe the raging spirit
and calm the tempest within me.

I promise,

I won’t ask for anything more

October 2006

for someone who won't be there for me anymore

Bittersweet Love

I liked this song when i heard it a couple of years back because of its beat and melody.

Who would've thought i'd find this song again? and now i can so relate to its lyrics.

You took my handYou showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
Uh huh
That's right

I took your words
And I believed
In everything
You said to me
Yeah huh
That's right

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong

I know better
Cause you said forever
And ever
Who knew

Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
Oh no
No no

I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything

When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong

They knew better
Still you said forever
And ever
Who knew
Yeah yeah

I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
What happened

If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
I'll cherish
Until we meet again
And time makes
It harder
I wish I could remember
But I keep
Your memory
You visit me in my sleep
My darling
Who knew
My darling
My darling
Who knew
My darling
I miss you
My darling
Who knew
Who knew

For the Last Time

This one's for the ex...

Will You Ever Learn

so what's the point in all of this
when you will never change?
the days have passed
the weather's changed
should i be sorry?
should i be sorry?

i did it all, all for you
hoping you would/could see
your eyes are dull, your hands are clenched
are we ready?
are we ready?

but you,
you think about yourself
only 'bout yourself
but what about....
unlonely nights
romantic moments
the love, the love
what about them?
throw it all away

you know me well
you know it's wrong
then what is it you feel
you hide behind those perfect smiles
it worked for me cause you already did

but you,
you think about yourself
only 'bout yourself
but what about....
unlonely nights
romantic moments
the love, the love
what about them?
throw it all away

the perfect dates
the sweetest kisses
the love, the love
what about them?
throw it all away

so what's the point in all of this
when you will never change
the days have passed should i be sorry?
should i be sorry?

= = =

Yup, after all the sh*t i've been through, there comes a time when i must emerge from my miserable state and get on with my life. And the time is now.

I've read somewhere that emotional pain lasts only 12 minutes, and if it lasts longer it is already self-inflicted.

My good buddy M also told me that it was really up to me whether i want to move on or continue hurting myself (emotionally) 'cause now the other guy will never give a sh*t at all.

I choose the former.

I'm never gonna give him the pleasure of seeing me all messed up because of him.

I'm so much better than that.

;P

Who am i kidding?

Okay, I'm only human. I cry when i'm hurt or very sad and lonely.

Maybe i need some more time to wallow in my miserable state before i could have the strength to pick myself up. I'm usually like that.

So one more time... let's stroke the guy's ego for a bit.

SPOILED (Joss Stone)

I kinda thought that i'd be better off by myself
I've never been so wrong before
You made it impossible for me to ever love somebody else
And now i don't know what i left you for

See i thought that i could replace you
He can't love me the way you do
Til now i never knew baby

I'm spoiled
By your love boy
No matter how i try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time

I'm spoiled by your touch boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't want to live without you in my life
I'm spoiled

I tried to tell myself that i'd be over you in a week or two
But baby that was 'bout a year ago
I've never seen the word love so personified
as I do with you
And that is why i just can't let go

And i would only be fooling myself
if i tried to believe there's room
for someone else in my heart
There ain't no way i'm getting over you
I don't know what i've been trying to prove
I'm hopeless, helpless when it comes to you

I'm spoiled by your love boy
No matter how i try to change my mind
What's the point it's just a waste of time
I'm spoiled by your touch, boy
The love you give is just too hard to fight
Don't wanna live without you in my life

I'm spoiled.

= = =

After this... I'm still alive and I'm gonna be stronger.

I. am. Rocktsik.

;)

After the End...

It happened here.

So, a couple of days have whizzed by and found me:

...changing my status from "in a relationship" to "single" in my Friendster profile.

...going from "contemplating my next move" to "where do broken hearts go?" to "counting the days" to "cold and empty" as my YM status.

...finding some form of comfort by attending the holy mass at St. Lazarus Shrine.

...listening to Typecast, The Cure and other local emo bands for another kind of comfort.




A couple of days have whizzed by and I'd like to think I'm on my way to getting better.

As Mae said, they don't call me Rocktsik for nothing.




Some quotes:

"Darating din ang araw na ipagpapasalamat ko rin ang araw na ito." (Someday, I'm gonna be thankful that this day had come)

-- told to a longtime friend during a bitchfest over the phone

"I may be a nutcase, but I'm a different case."

-- told to a buddy, assuring him that I'm gonna be fine

But here's the ultimate quote for this post:

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end."

-- Semisonic (Closing Time)

SONG 2

Somehow, i find comfort from this song...

BOYS DON'T CRY (The Cure)

I would say i'm sorry
if i thought that it would change your mind
but i know that this time
i have said too much
been too unkind

I try to laugh about it
cover it all up with lies
I try to laugh about it
hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would break down at your feet
and beg forgiveness plead with you
but i know that it's too late
and now there's nothing i can do

So i try to laugh about it
cover it all up with lies
I try to laugh about it
hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

I would tell you that i loved you
if i thought that you would stay
But i know that it's no use
that you've already gone away

Misjudged your limits
Pushed you too far
Took you for granted
I thought that you needed me more, more, more

Now I would do most anything
to get you back by my side
But i just keep on laughing
hiding the tears in my eyes
'cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry

SONG 1

is this a breakup song or what?

THE BOSTON DRAMA

Standard pickup lines that seem to wreck your bones
Can this be a sequel of my dying hope?
You're chasing down a neverending make believe
You're a perfect match of consistency

Will you come back in a heartbeat?
Don't be confused of what a great thing we could be
Take a walk at the same street
Can you tell me how Boston is like without me?

Your image is stamped beneath the insides of my heart
Now you're gone, I don't know where to start
The evidence is showing like a stable apprehension
You're the only one who's apt this affection

Will you come back in a heartbeat?
Don't be confused of what a great thing we could be
Take a walk at the same street
Can you tell me how Boston is like without me?

Damsel in Distress

People were already going home a few minutes after the Chief declared work suspension by 4pm due to the heavy rains and flooding. But I had to stay for a few more hours to practice the steps for next week's presentation. The group planned to practice today but I was looking forward to go home already as I don't wanna get stranded on my way. They caught me by a phonecall. I should have ignored it when the office phone rang, coz it was closing time anyway. My bad. So I had no choice but to join the practice since it was still raining hard.

By around past six, we finally packed it up. It was already dark outside and it was still raining a bit. Plus, I was on my own because all my officemates have gone earlier. Jeepneys were cutting the trip just to avoid the flooded areas. I had to walk some more to get to my next jeepney terminal.

So there I was. The moment I never wished for, but it was already happening. The flood water was knee-high. Murky, dirty water with a lot of what-nots floating in it. My pants and platform shoes were soaked in the flood as I half-waded towards the next terminal. The umbrella was then used as a cane to guide me as I take baby-steps to avoid open manholes and excavations on the road.

Finally, I was walking in the street of my own neighborhood. Wet, tired, and cold. I hugged my jacket tighter for warmth, and tried to suppress a sob that threatened to escape from inside me.


I was thinking to myself, "So this is what it feels like."

Hours ago, J texted me that he wouldn't be able to come to the office to accompany me home. I know he wouldn't let me walk in flooded streets. Or he would not let me walk alone if we really can't help walking in it.

But my superman's got fever. So I walked by myself.

Weekend Reflection

I've been blabbing about moving on and stuff in my other blog, so.... what now? What's next? Any progress so far? Well.... if moving on is like re-arranging my stuff in my jungle of a cubicle... or waking up earlier than usual to go to work... or finally having the energy to sort my closet... or taking steps to clean up the vacant room in our house so i could have it for myself already (yey! my own space at last! or is it? hmmm...), then i guess I've quite moved on.

But is "moving on" the right term to use? Perhaps it's "starting over". Maybe because, contrary to what i said that we have to lose something (or in my case, someone) for new and better things, what i really needed was a change in perspective. Perhaps instead of always looking at the other side of the fence where it was believed that the grass is greener, I should've just appreciated the simple (yet meaningful) things I already had.

After struggling to understand the things that transpired the past couple of months (yup, it's been that long but i don't wanna stuff this blog with depressing posts) there was a lesson to learn. Maybe lessons to learn and to keep in mind.

And so here I am at the office at 5 o'clock in the afternoon. Everyone else has gone home or somewhere else. The rain is pouring so hard and it might flood outside. But I'm cool. I may not be a big fan of rain, but I think I can bear with it. I say bring it on. Someone's coming to fetch me anyway.

Cold Summer Night

Keep on blaming myself

I should've eaten my pride

How can I convince you?

Is it a matter of time?

Many times I've hurt you with my foolish ways

Now I know I have to pay the price

Is there a way for you to turn around?

Turn around and come back baby

Baby can't you see?

It's been cold summer nights since we drifted apart

Cold summer nights since you walked out that door

Cold summer nights here on my own

I miss you babe and I need you here

- - - - -

It rained hard yesterday just as I went out of the office to go home.

What the hell?! It's still summer, isn't it? Kasagsagan pa lang po ng tag-araw. What's with the downpour?

Who knows? The weatherman did not report any rainshowers for that day.

But there I was, braving the heavy rain and strong wind, armed with my not-so-sturdy 2-fold umbrella. After the usual inconveniences that go along rainy days (heavy traffic jam, flooding in the streets, and getting stranded for hours if you're not lucky enough), I got home safe, but a bit wet. My umbrella almost gave up on me.

Along the way, seeing some flooded streets, I suddenly felt a tug in my heart.

J would never let me walk on these floodwaters.

But he wasn't with me that night.

Maybe not anymore.

- - - - -

Cold Summer Nights by FrancisM.

Some words were edited to relate to this post.

how i feel...

sometimes, the words of other people are enough to express what we really mean....

**For someone**

in our effort to find the love of our life, we exert all of our strength in making our relationships work.. and upon doing this we become oblivious to other things that matter.. sometimes neglecting our priorities in life, our responsibilities –with other people as well as to ourselves.. in a relationship that we put so much work we fail to recognize the inequality even though we clearly know that most of the effort comes only from one side –our own.. then in that case, we are holding on to someone whose not suppose to be ours.. telling ourselves “we are happy and our future will be perfect”.. we are insistent and foolish for we hold on to a fairy tale.. we cannot coach them to stay however convincing we may be.. for this someone is meant to leave us and fulfill their calling –away from us.. there are numerous reasons why this person is not meant for you.. he/she might be looking for a different thing –something you don’t possess or cannot offer, he/she might be attached or already committed, or perhaps you are already in the point in your life when you want to be serious and settle down while he/she wants to play some more and experience what it likes to look around.. i know, this will be unbearable.. but we must let them go or else we will be stuck with someone who is unhappy with us and someday might blame us for caging them.. and when this happens, the misery that they will feel towards us will drain the life out of the relationship and we will be left broken and helpless.. and there is no one to blame but ourselves.. the hardest part in this situation is recognizing when to let go and when to turn your back on this person who became a part of your life.. but bear in mind, in the long run we will be doing ourselves a favor for letting go early, instead of holding on until such point when we have given out all of our love and energy and accomplished nothing, and much worst received nothing in return.. this is where characters are polished, for it takes courage to recognize if that someone is not for you.. and you must have great virtue to let go of that someone whom you enjoyed loving.. but believe me, when i say this, and this is true.. after going through this ordeal you will emerge a better person and loose all the selfishness in you.. and in the future, when you see this love that you let go, happy and content, i’m sure you will be relieved for you have done the right thing.. however unclear it may be to you now.. this is how the universe unfolds.. and remember these people are merely episodes in our lives.. look on the greater side and be happy that of all the people in this planet he/she stopped on your doorstep.. the visit might be brief.. but the memories will stay even if you find another person who will finally make you happy.. and no one can take that away..

--borrowed from Sham